How Much Control Do You Really Have Over How Your Child Turns Out

As parents, especially homeschool parents, we sometimes tie our sense of success or failure too tightly to our children's behavior and achievements. When a child excels academically, we quietly take credit. When they struggle, we quietly take blame. The truth is more nuanced, more freeing, and more useful than either extreme.

Nature, Nurture, and What the Research Actually Says

Children arrive with a basic set of personality traits, often observable even before birth. They come wired with certain propensities. This is not absolution for parents, because nurture is deeply intertwined with nature. The parenting, education, friendships, and environment a child grows up in will have a profound effect on who they become. Both matter. Neither operates alone.

As a young parent, I learned to hold my confidence loosely. I recognized that things could quite easily go the other way, and I did not want to be left holding that bag entirely either. What I began to notice in my own children, in children I worked with, and in people generally, is that each character quality has two distinct sides.

Every Trait Has Two Sides

The qualities in our children that seem most difficult or unpleasant all carry a positive counterpart. Every single one. Finding that positive side is one of the most important things a parent can do. Here is a starting point:

This list is not exhaustive, but the pattern holds. The qualities that make a child most challenging to parent are often the same qualities that will make them most remarkable as adults, when those traits are understood, guided, and channeled well.

What Montessori Understood About This

Maria Montessori observed children with the rigor of a scientist and the heart of an advocate. She believed that what adults label as "bad behavior" is almost always a child's unmet developmental need expressing itself in the only way available to them. A child who is disruptive may be a child who needs more movement. A child who is defiant may be a child who needs more autonomy. A child who is aggressive may be a child who needs more physical challenge and a sense of justice.

Montessori also believed that the adult's job is to observe the child without judgment, to look past the surface behavior and ask: what is this child trying to tell me? What do they need? What strength is hiding inside this difficulty? This is exactly the detective work that good parenting requires.

This is nowhere more true than in the life of a child. A child who is constantly criticized for their difficult behavior often grows into an adult who believes that is who they are. Place even one adult in that same child's life who genuinely believes in them and encourages the good side of their personality, and they are exponentially more likely to grow into a world-changer, or at the very least, a wonderful human being.

Your Role as Advocate and Champion

As a parent, I had to learn to make decisions based on what was best for my child, not what was best for my pride. Seeking out the good side of my child's character qualities did not mean everyone else would take the time to see that beauty. Sometimes this meant finding more nurturing environments or curricula. Sometimes it meant honest conversations with my child about navigating negativity from less understanding adults, and advocating for them in those situations.

See Inside Our Montessori-Based Kits

Math Kit I
Pre-K to 3rd Grade

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Language Arts Kit A
Pre-K to 1st Grade

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-- Antoinette LaGrossa, ShillerLearning